Memories of a Highlander Read online

  First published 2018

  Copyright © Susan Bella Ikin 2018

  No parts of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Under no circumstances may any part of this book be photocopied for resale.

  This is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and situations within its pages and places or persons, living or dead, is unintentional and co-incidental.

  Eleanor

  I walked down the stairs into the hall, aching all over but refusing to acknowledge the pain to anyone. It had been foolish of me to try to steal back my horse, and unforgiveable to threaten Mary with a knife, but she had surprised me and I had reacted without thinking. It was a family trait, and that was how my fool brother had lost my horse to these people to start with. If Duncan hadn’t attacked their son with a knife, he wouldn’t have been forced to pay recompense with the only thing of value he had – his horse. The problem was, it wasn’t his horse, it had been mine. I had raised the creature from a foal, a weak little foal that no-one expected to survive, yet I had helped him to thrive and to be the beautiful stallion that he was today. Duncan had always teased me about my choice of mount, saying that only a warrior should ride a stallion, that a girl like myself should ride a mare, or at best, a gelding, and so when the time came for posturing, he had taken Midnight from his stall without asking. I had been devastated when the men returned and I found out what happened, Duncan hadn’t even had the courage to tell me himself, I had heard from one of the other warriors, and had rushed to the stables, unable to believe the awful story until I saw the empty stall with my own eyes.

  Our father had to physically restrain me when I charged Duncan, bloodying his nose and blackening his eye before anyone could stop me. My mother wailed in distress, unable to work out why her daughter didn’t behave the way girls should. She didn’t understand that I hated being a girl, girls couldn’t do anything, didn’t have any freedom, I had always wanted to be a boy as I grew up, and had to be forced into wearing girl’s clothes. I had nothing but contempt for the simpering, preening creatures that tried to catch my brothers’ eyes, trying to make a good marriage and being prepared to trade their bodies to do so. I had no interest in pretending to be what I was not, and just wanted to be left to my own devices. No-one understood that I wanted to ride, to hunt, to explore, and that I had no interest in sewing, or keeping house, and certainly did not want to be tied down by babies. I couldn’t think of anything worse. My father had tried to marry me off a few times, and each time the prospective groom had run off in fear. I managed to convince most of them that I was slightly mad, and that any children I had would probably be mad too, and that seemed to keep most of them away. There was one who was more difficult though, I don’t think he believed my performances, he always seemed to be watching me whenever he visited our keep, and he had even tried cornering me a few times when I was alone. That was one reason why I had been so devastated when Midnight had been given away. Not only was he my best friend, but he was my freedom. I could disappear on him for hours each day, and I always had a thought in the back of my mind that if things got too bad, I could just keep riding.

  So, when I found out where he was kept, I donned some of the boy’s clothes that I kept handy, and ‘borrowed’ another horse to creep over to the McGarrow lands. I had hidden in the shadows as Robert regaled my father with stories of his brief time as a hostage of the McGarrows. I was horrified to hear that they had stolen a woman from her family to marry to one of their sons, and worried about my beautiful Midnight, being kept by a family that must be so cruel. I had managed to slip into the stables and locate Midnight without raising any alarms – no-one cared about the movements of what looked like a young boy – and so I found myself confronting a tiny little woman who caught me by surprise. I thought if I drew my knife she would probably faint in fear, and I was watching her in confusion, waiting to see if she would scream or not while I grabbed Midnight’s reins, and missed the movement at my back. That was a big mistake. What felt like a huge bear crashed into my back, slamming me onto the hard stable floor, and the knife flew out of my hand. Winded, I couldn’t make a sound, and was gasping for breath. My head was pounding and everything sounded far away as I vaguely registered the woman yelling at the huge animal at my back, then the weight was off me. My head spinning, I found that it had been a man who had tackled me, and the commotion meant that my escape was now an impossibility. I was hauled before the laird and although I put my case to him, he would not budge and return Midnight to me. It had been the woman who had taken charge then, and had led me away, taking me into the keep and ordering servants about, insisting that I would bathe and join the family for dinner. I was rude to the woman I came to know as Mary, my fear of what I thought would be my fate making me so, and she responded assertively, shocking me. She appeared so tiny, so feminine, that I had not expected her to stand up for herself like that, but looking back on her behaviour that day, she had not seemed to be in fear of any of the men of the house.

  So here I was, going down to dinner, feeling as if I was dressed up as a sacrificial offering, and feeling very out of place. My body ached all over from when I had been slammed into the ground, thanks to that big oaf. Just as I was thinking of the big oaf, who should I see but him? He was standing with his back to me, with Mary and with another man who I remembered as her husband, the oaf’s brother. The brother had a big scowl on his face, and I had to square my shoulders to steady myself before I approached them. He was clearly angry, was it because his wife had been so kind to me? I suppose she remembered how scared she had been, and was trying to make things easy for me, but although I would play along, I intended to keep an eye open for an opportunity to escape. Even though Mary had told me that she had stayed willingly, I still wasn’t convinced. If they thought they could trap me into a marriage with another of their sons, they would not find me so easy to trap. I didn’t know what sort of reception I would find at home though, I had probably compromised my reputation by running away without an escort, not that I was worried about that. I didn’t want to marry anyway, so it didn’t really matter what any prospective suitors might think about my behaviour. In fact, thinking about it, this could probably work in my favour. If I managed to get away, the steady stream of suitors might dwindle to a trickle if they thought I had been taken to bed by a man who did not marry me. Although, as Mary took my arm and led me to the table, I walked close to the oaf, and felt the heat radiating off his body. I was surprised to feel a tightening in my loins as I wondered what it would have felt like to have been crushed underneath him in a different way. I internally raged against my woman’s body. How easy men had it! If they wanted a woman and could find one that was willing, they could indulge their baser instincts. For women it was different, especially a woman from a noble house. I had heard tales that there were ways to prevent a man getting a bairn on you, but the women I had heard giggling about it would not enlighten me. If it wasn’t for that worry, I could do whatever a man could do, including discovering the pleasures of the flesh. A couple of times I had stumbled across couples copulating in quiet hallways, and hearing and seeing the moans and writhings of the couples had made it clear that there was pleasure to be had in this act. Even though I did
not want to marry, the thought that if I did not, I would never discover the pleasures that a woman could experience with a man seemed very unfair to me, but I did not know any way around that problem. If I were to lay with a man, and get with child, then what choice would I have but to tie myself to him forever? To let a man have such power over me? Never.

  During dinner that night I was seated in between Mary and the oaf’s mother. Her name was Patrice, and she seemed quite nice, but I couldn’t fully relax around her, not able to reconcile her pleasant manner with the knowledge that this woman allowed her sons to steal themselves brides. A couple of times I became aware of the oaf stealing glances at me, and it both worried and excited me. It worried me because I was concerned that he might be too watchful when I tried to escape, and yet I couldn’t help a little thrill of excitement at the thought of him pressing me up against the wall and doing some of those things to me that I could only guess what men might do to women. I tried to concentrate on the conversation instead of wondering what he would look like with his clothes off, I needed to keep my wits about me if I ever wanted to get home. When the meal was over, I worried that the oaf might try to follow me to my room, but I noticed that it seemed as if he would stay at the table drinking, even after the meal had finished and people started to make their way to their rooms. I watched as Mary and her husband, whose name I now knew to be Liam, scurried upstairs, seemingly impatient to be with each other, and was relieved that no matter how she came to be married to him, it seemed as if they really enjoyed being with each other now.

  The next morning, Mary was being congratulated by family members, and it was only when I saw the way Liam’s father, also named Liam, clapped him on the back with pride that I guessed what the fuss was about. I shyly offered my congratulations to Mary on the announcement of her pregnancy, seeing by her shining eyes that she really was pleased about it, the thought of being trapped did not seem to have occurred to her at all. I noticed that the oaf was there too, still in the clothes that he had been in last night, and wrinkled my nose as I caught the smell of wine from him. He had apparently been up drinking all night. I felt a pang of disappointment, he had not seemed to be a drunkard, but clearly I was a poor judge of men, because he obviously was. During the morning meal, I was told to prepare myself for a journey the next day. Mary told me that her husband was leading a company of men, together with some maids to preserve my modesty, to return me to my family. I was at first stunned, then happy, was it because they were celebrating the impending birth of a new child in the house that they were being so generous? I enquired about Midnight, and was disappointed to discover that their generosity did not extend to returning him to me. I did not get another opportunity to try to escape with Midnight, as the maids who were assigned to escort me had taken up residence in my room, sleeping on pallets on the floor, so that they could be ready to leave early, when the men said it was time to go.

  I grumbled in my sleep as I railed uselessly at the fate of women, to be forever ordered around by men. I was also not looking forward to my reception when I reached my home.

  Donald

  Many months had passed since the fiery little McDonnell woman had been taken back to her home by Liam. Mary had worried about Eleanor, hoping that her family did not give her too much grief about her escapade, and Liam had reassured her that he thought everything would be alright. He had said that partly because Mary was carrying their child, and he didn’t want her to worry, but he had also stayed for a night at the McDonnell keep to reassure himself that the lassie would not be too harshly punished. Her father was very angry of course, and had ranted about how he would keep her under guard in the future to prevent any further mishaps, but Liam had been sure that most of his ravings were due to relief that his daughter had been returned unharmed. At first he had doubted that her virtue was still intact, but Liam had managed to convince him that she had been unharmed and was being returned to her house in the same condition as when she had left. He had introduced Eleanor’s father to Loretta and Jenny, who had told him how they had accompanied her on the road so that she was never alone, and eventually her father had seemed satisfied that his daughter was still an innocent. What Liam did not tell Mary was that Eleanor was probably doomed to a lifetime of being under guard now, as her father confided in Liam that she was wild, and that he was despairing of ever finding her a good husband, as she had scared off almost everyone who had been bold enough to express an interest in her. Liam had left her there, and had reported the conversation to me, watching me closely all the while.

  “Why are ye telling me this, Liam? It is none of my concern”.

  Liam smiled at me, seeming unconvinced by my protestations.

  “I just thought ye would like to know. A bonny lass like that, with enough fire and spirit to try to steal her horse back from us, well, I would think a woman like that would keep a man on his toes. Life with her would not be boring I would think. I saw the way ye reacted to her, and I thought maybe ye might be concerned about the fact her father is looking for a husband for her, but if ye think ye aren’t man enough to take her on….”

  I growled something unintelligible at my brother and stomped off for some solitude. It was fine for him, he had a beautiful wife who he loved, and who loved him, and I had observed enough of their behaviour to be a little jealous of the intimacy they shared. It was common knowledge around the keep that Liam and Mary could not keep their hands off each other, and they were often seen scurrying off to their chamber in the middle of the day. Although I loved Mary as a sister, and did not think of her in a sexual sense, I still felt some envy for my brother, who had found someone who loved him as much as he loved her, and thus had someone to hold close each night, while I was still alone. I knew there were women in our community who would have accepted an offer of marriage from me, but I had been spoiled for marriage by seeing the difference between a good marriage and a bad one. I wanted a marriage like my parents had, one where a man and a woman truly loved each other, even after many years and more than a few children. I had seen how unhappy Liam was with his first wife, and now how happy he was with Mary, and I didn’t want to fall into the same trap as he had the first time – marrying out of duty instead of love. I did not feel anything for any of those women around me, I did not feel anything at all for anyone, except for that one, fiery red headed vixen who had burst into my life so briefly, and who I could not forget. I had stayed in the hall all night on the first night, afraid that if I didn’t I might try to follow her to her room, and thankfully on the only other night that she lay in a bed in a chamber only a few doors from mine, she was not alone, but had maids in the chamber with her. The strange thing was, before Eleanor came bursting into my life, I had not realised just how discontent I was. I had thought I was happy, that what I had was enough, but when Eleanor had left, I had realised just what my life was lacking. There was a gap in my life. A gap that could only be filled by a slender, red-headed vixen that clearly had no interest in me. How could she? The first time I had met her, I had slammed her into the hard ground, most likely hurting her a lot, and after that she could not even bear to look at me.

  It didn’t matter how much I tried to tell myself that I was being foolish, I could not get that woman out of my mind. I spent a lot of time trying to work off my excess energy in the lists, and as a result, my skills as a warrior improved, even when my mood did not. I walked, and rode, and swam in the freezing loch, but nothing helped to get my mind away from Eleanor McDonnell. Eventually I found myself riding the border between our lands and the McDonnell lands, hoping that I would encounter someone, and could strike up a casual conversation with them, and hopefully turn the conversation around to Eleanor. I considered riding over and declaring my intention to court her, but then remembered that she could not stand the sight of me, and decided that would be more than foolish. I also had commitments at home. Liam was easily distracted as Mary’s date of confinement grew closer, I knew he was in fear that she would die in child be
d as his first wife had done, so I tried to put my own unhappiness aside to reassure him, and to take up some of his duties around the keep so that he would have more time to spend with his wife. I also had concerns for Mary, she was so tiny and clearly the babe was a big one, I could not imagine how my brother would go on if anything happened to his beloved Mary.

  The following spring, just a year after Mary came to us, the baby started to come in the middle of the night. Liam was beside himself with fear, and something else, as the time wore on with no news of a safe delivery. He refused to leave the hallway outside the room he shared with Mary, despite the urging of my father, myself and our younger brothers, to spend some time in our father’s solar, drinking whiskey and waiting for the birth as men often did. I approached Liam and shook his arm, shocked to see the look in his eyes when he looked at me.

  “Liam, there is nothing ye can do, Bridget and Ma are with her, she is young and strong, come away and have a dram of something to relax ye”.

  “Ye don’t understand, Donald, it’s all my fault that she is like this”.

  I snorted. “I do remember how bairns are made, Liam, I think that ye both had something to do with this”.

  Liam slammed me into the wall, then stepped back, rubbing his hand over his face as he apologised.

  “Donald, I should not take me guilt out on ye. Ye just don’t understand”.

  “No, Liam, I don’t. What is troubling ye, ye are really worrying me”.

  “Donald, Mary is early. She should still have a couple of weeks to go. It’s my fault she is going early, we were just about to, well, ye know…”

  I nodded, finally understanding, then stepping forward and putting my arms around my brother, hugging him as we had not done since we were children.

  “Liam, ye know Mary loves ye. I’m sure she would not want ye to be so upset. I also have eyes in my head, and I have seen the way Mary looks at ye. I’m sure ye weren’t alone in yer intentions, and shouldn’t blame yerself”.