Memories of a Highlander Read online

  Liam and I looked at each other for a long moment before I turned to my family.

  “Donald has only been awake for a short while, and he is sleeping again. I don’t know how long it will be before ye can speak to him, he may have suffered more injury from that blow to the head than we know. He does not remember me”.

  Donald

  I woke again in the poor light of dawn, struggling to remember where I was and what had happened. I remembered waking before with a bad headache, thinking I must have been drunk, but I still had a headache, so was it something else? I put my hand to the back of my head, realising that my head was bandaged. As I started to move, I became aware of a woman standing up from a chair near the bed and moving towards me. I stilled, wondering if it was that beautiful woman from before. Was it a dream or was she real? If she was real, why was she in my room? The woman moved into the light, and I realised that it was Mary.

  “Donald, it’s so lovely to see you awake. How does your head feel?”

  “It feels like I was kicked by a horse, Mary, what happened?”

  “Someone hit you from behind Donald, and you have almost slept the clock around. I was getting very worried about you, and Liam too”. She paused, eyeing me strangely for a while before continuing. “What do you remember?”

  I thought for a while. The harder I thought, the more my head hurt, so I just closed my eyes for a while longer.

  “I remember walking out of the keep on my own. Why did I walk out of the keep? Who was I going to meet?”

  Mary frowned at me.

  “What do you remember before you walked out of the keep? Do you remember what you were doing yesterday, or last week?”

  I looked up at Mary, not understanding what she was asking.

  “Probably the same thing as I always do. Nothing out of the ordinary, just practice, looking after business, that sort of thing”.

  “Do you remember about your parents, do you know why they haven’t been in to see you yet?”

  I tried to sit up in a panic, but the sudden movement made my head spin and I laid back.

  “Is something wrong with them? Is that why I went out on my own?”

  Mary put her arm on me, but her reassuring gesture was not reflected in her eyes.

  “No, Donald, everything is fine with your family. A big host went to town to restock supplies, you and Liam stayed behind to defend the keep. Your parents are unharmed as far as I know, I just wanted to know if you remembered them going, but you seem to have lost your memories of recent times. I just don’t know how far back your loss goes”.

  Mary left the room shortly afterwards, returning with Liam by her side, and Robert in her arms.

  “Do you remember little Robert?” She asked, jiggling him to keep him happy. I tried to sit up, wanting to see the little scrap of a child.

  “Of course I do, pass him to his Uncle Donald”, I said, holding out my arms.

  Liam and Mary exchanged a glance, then Liam took the child and sat next to me, passing Robert across and staying near in case I got drowsy again. I noticed Mary leave the room, then shortly afterwards she returned, accompanied by the beautiful woman I remembered. I felt embarrassed, I did not want the woman seeing me in my sickbed, and frowned at Mary. Mary spoke casually, but watched me with a curious expression on her face.

  “Do you remember my friend, Eleanor?” At my blank look, she continued, while taking Robert from my arms. Liam stood up and moved over to the chair while the woman watched me with a strange look on her face. I had to shake my head, and then held it as the movement had made it hurt again. Mary spoke briskly.

  “Never mind, maybe you will remember more when the swelling goes down a little”, and she gathered the woman and hustled her out of the room, taking Robert with her. I looked at Liam when the door was closed and the women could no longer hear me.

  “Who is Mary’s friend? Why don’t I remember her? Is she married?”

  “Her name is Eleanor, and she only recently arrived from - from away. I’m not sure if she is married, why do ye ask?” Liam looked at me closely as he answered my questions.

  “Why do I ask? Are ye blind, man? She’s beautiful! Can ye find out if she’s married and tell me? I need to get out of this bed, I’m no good to anyone lying about like this”.

  Liam put a hand out to stay me as I tried to move. I was grateful, as my head was spinning again.

  “I’ll make ye a deal, ye stubborn git. Ye need to stay in bed at least one more day, then I’ll let ye know what I find out about Eleanor”.

  I laid back, resting my eyes, and before long, I had fallen asleep.

  Eleanor

  “He doesn’t know my name? Why doesn’t he remember me? He remembers Robert and he is only a few months old!”

  “He also didn’t remember that Da had left the keep, so he seems to have lost very recent memories. If he remembers Robert, he must have only lost the last few months of memories”.

  I looked at Liam sadly. He just didn’t understand the depths of my despair, and the fears I had.

  “No, Liam, it’s me he has forgotten. I met him before Robert was born remember? But he still didn’t know who I was. Maybe he has forgotten because he wanted to forget, I have been nothing but trouble since I came here”. I put my head down and howled, inconsolable.

  The next few days only seemed to prove what I feared.

  Donald struggled to get out of bed, even though he didn’t know me anymore, I still knew him, and knew that he would not want to lie about in bed all day. He moved around the keep, and it became apparent that not only did he not remember me, but he had also forgotten my parents, although he remembered Duncan. He glowered at Duncan for a while, still remembering him as the young man who had wounded Ian, until Liam suggested that Duncan had been instrumental in saving his life, and although Donald still seemed confused, at least he stopped staring daggers at Duncan and asking why he was allowed in the keep.

  While Donald was out of our chamber, I went in to remove my possessions. Mary and Bridget had decided that we should not try to force Donald’s memory, so he must remember me by himself, I could not just announce that I was his wife. So before he discovered women’s clothing in the chest, I removed all of my possessions and took them to the spare chamber that I had been occupying. I spent some lonely nights lying in the bed by myself, wanting to snuggle up to the warmth of my husband, but unable to do so.

  On the Tuesday, the keep was again full of people. When the party was spotted, Liam rode out to meet them, so that he could warn them what had happened to Donald. To my chagrin, Donald remembered everyone. Once Patrice had reassured herself that he was healing well and was out of danger, Patrice sought me out as I had known she would.

  “Oh my dear, I am so sorry, this must be so difficult for ye. Liam told me that he has explained ye as a friend of Mary, come to help with Robert. Has there been no recognition at all?”

  I shook my head sadly.

  “Nothing. I hoped it was just because of the wound to his head, but he has been out of bed for three days now, and he seems well on the way to healing, but he just treats me politely, as ye would a casual acquaintance. Mary is confident that he will remember soon, but it doesn’t make it any easier”.

  “I am sure it doesn’t, dear child, but the head is such a complicated thing. I have known people to die from head wounds that seemed to be less severe than Donald’s, so we must be patient, even though it is difficult. Donald loves ye, that is something he cannot forget”.

  I began to wonder as time wore on. I bid goodbye to my family, who were reluctant to leave me, but they could do nothing, and eventually they had to return to their own concerns. Donald still did not remember me, and after much discussion, we had decided to tell him that I was not married. Liam had told me that Donald had told him that he thought I was beautiful, so it was decided that we would see where Donald’s interest led him. Perhaps it would be an aid to his memory. It was very difficult for me however. Donald began to court
me, gently, obviously cautious as he believed me to be a friend of his sister by law. The people of the keep had been apprised of the unusual situation, and although a few of them almost slipped a few times, they largely kept quiet when they saw Donald escorting me around the keep. His interest in me became more and more obvious, but I did not know how to react to him. He was my husband, and I loved him, we had been intimate, but I had to pretend as if I was just getting to know him. Even when we went out riding Donald always made sure that we had company, while I clung on to memories of the time we had been swimming in the loch. My cheeks blazed as I remembered that other day that Donald and I had ridden a long way from the keep, and the things he had done to me. Donald looked at me then and smiled, and I had to smile back, pretending to be friendly while having lustful thoughts that I couldn’t act on with this man. Donald also made sure that we were usually seated next to each other at the evening meal, and even though I felt everyone was watching us, I enjoyed the attention that Donald was lavishing on me. A couple of times we had touched accidentally, and I knew that Donald felt the energy between us. If it hadn’t been for the knowledge of what I had lost, I would have enjoyed this time with Donald. We had not had a courtship as we had rushed into marriage, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I wanted my husband back, I would have enjoyed spending time with Donald as my suitor.

  To complicate matters even more, after a few weeks I realised that my courses were late. I had been so upset about everything that had gone wrong lately, that I had lost track, but when I thought back, the last one I remembered having was when I was still injured, before the night that Donald and I finally consummated our marriage. I did not tell anyone, wanting to be sure, and not knowing what I should do. What could I say to Donald when I began to show? I cried in my bed each night, railing at the unfairness of life. This should be a joyous time for Donald and I, we should be excited about the chance that we had created a babe, but I could not share the news. I tried to keep my secret to myself, although I had not reckoned on Mary’s perceptiveness.

  “How far along do you think you are?” She asked one day as we sat in the garden, enjoying a rare sunny autumn day. Her belly was starting to protrude, and she was sitting on a bench, with Robert on a rug at her feet playing in the grass. She had her face turned to the sun with her eyes closed, rubbing her belly, she was a picture of contentment. I stared at her, and she opened her eyes at my silence, turning her head to look at me with compassion in her eyes.

  “It would have happened the night before Donald was injured, so only a couple of months. How did ye know? What shall I do?”

  “I saw you at the morning meal, you looked almost green when the food was put in front of you, and I remembered how that felt, I have only just got past that stage myself. Does anyone else know?”

  “No. I wasn’t sure, I’m still not sure, but I probably am with child. Do ye think when Donald sees me, it will make him remember? We discussed having a babe and he wanted one, so maybe he will remember that wish.

  “Maybe, who knows what will make him remember, but I am sure he will. In the meantime, we should visit Bridget. No-one but the three of us need know that we go to see her for you, we can pretend that I am the one visiting her, and you are just keeping me company”.

  Visiting Bridget was meant to reassure me, and it did. She asked me how I had been feeling, and worked out that I should be due in summer, just after Mary. Mary was excited about this, as it meant that her two children and my child would be close in age, and so they would not lack for playmates. We arranged to let out my clothes now, so that I could hide my pregnancy for longer than otherwise, in the hope that Donald might remember that I was his wife before my condition became obvious.

  Of course, plans never work the way they should. I had been practicing my reading in the hall by the fire, when a sudden smell from the kitchens as the evening meal cooked hit me strongly. I thought to go outside for fresh air, but when I gathered my shawl around me and headed outside, Donald was just coming inside, and turned around again to accompany me. I should have sent him away, but I could not pass up the chance to spend time with him, to see him smile as he looked down at me, and to revel in the look in his eyes as we spoke. I knew that Donald still felt something for me, and I couldn’t turn him away. We took a turn around the gardens, then Donald surprised me by taking my hand.

  “Eleanor, I know this is very soon, but I don’t want to waste any more time. I’m sure ye know that I feel something for ye, and I hope I am right when I believe that ye feel something for me, and I want to declare my intentions to court ye. Mary will not tell me anything about yer family, I need to know where to find yer father, so that I can let him know my intentions are honourable”.

  I stared at Donald in shock. My husband was declaring that he intended to court me with a view to marriage? What should I do? At that time, I began to seriously doubt that he would ever regain his memory. If the thought of marrying me didn’t make him remember our time together, what would? I tried to pull from his grasp, and spun away quickly. As I did, I realised my error, as the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that had driven me outside in search of fresh air boiled up, and I ran off to the bushes to retch until I had nothing left in me. After I was done, I turned slowly, wiping my mouth with my kerchief, looking at Donald in horror. Would he guess?

  Donald

  I stared at Eleanor with the dawning realisation that she must be with child. I had noticed of late that she had seemed to be putting on a little weight, but had thought that it was only because we all tended to eat more and exercise less as winter approached. I had chided myself that I should not be looking at her that closely anyway, if anyone else had put on weight I had not noticed. The only other person I had seen any changes in was Mary, and that was to be expected. When Eleanor pulled away from me to empty the contents of her stomach in the garden, it all made sense. Within the space of seconds, various emotions ran through me. For some odd reason, there was joy, but then it was followed by sorrow, as Eleanor was obviously in love with another, for I did not think she would give herself to a man easily, and then anger at the realisation that if she was unmarried, the man had obviously used her and cast her aside.

  “Who is he?” I roared, noticing Eleanor flinch but unable to stop myself as I was beyond all reason. I wanted her for myself, but now must face doing something that would put her forever beyond my reach. “I will hunt him down and make him marry ye!”

  Eleanor looked at me, I could see her recoil from me in fear, and she turned and ran into the keep. I raged outside, unable to control myself. I kicked a bench, then hopped around bellowing, holding my foot in pain. It was in this state that Liam came across me, no doubt coming to investigate who was making all the noise.

  “Donald! What are ye doing? Ye are making enough noise to wake the dead, what are ye doing?”

  I put my foot down, wincing at the tenderness, but was strangely happy to have some physical pain to focus my rage on, to try to block out the pain inside. Uncontrollably angry, I lashed out.

  “Did ye know? Tell me Liam, did ye know?”

  To his credit, Liam looked confused.

  “Know what, what are ye talking about? Ye aren’t making any sense, man!”

  I had the presence of mind to step closer to Liam and lower my voice. I had probably already exposed Eleanor’s secret with my first outburst, but if no-one had overheard that, there was no sense in telling everyone now.

  “She is with child, Liam, and obviously unmarried. We need to find out who is responsible, and make him marry her”.

  Liam looked at me oddly, and as I was about to repeat myself, he spoke.

  “Did she tell ye this?” At my shaken head, he continued. “Then how do ye know for sure?”

  “She is just like Mary, but maybe not so far along. Look at her herself if ye want to know. That’s not the point though, do ye know who the father could be?” Then a horrible thought came to me, which might explain why Eleanor was so upset. I
grabbed Liam’s arm, fearful and angry at the same time. “Do ye think she was forced?”

  Liam stared at me for a while, and if it wasn’t so serious, I would have sworn that his lips twitched. Then he answered.

  “No, I don’t think she was forced. But maybe there is a reason why the father is not around, maybe he is unwell or something”.

  “That is no excuse. He should be with Eleanor and his babe, what sort of man abandons a woman who carries his child?”

  If I had thought Liam might be amused before, he was clearly not now. He took a deep breath then clapped me on the back, turning me away from the house.

  “There are strange things in this world, Donald, and we don’t understand why things happen the way they do. But I would ask ye this, keep this to yerself. If Eleanor has not told anyone, then she obviously does not want to. We should respect her wishes and give her time to decide what is best for her”.

  My fists clenched. I wanted to beat the man to a pulp. How could anyone do this to Eleanor and then cast her aside? I started to walk back inside, but Liam stopped me.

  “Where do ye think ye are going, Donald? Ye aren’t thinking straight right now and ye should not be anywhere near Eleanor for a while”.

  I nodded, and headed to the stables. I needed to clear my head. As I walked into the stables, and walked past a black horse in a stall, something nagged at the back of my mind. I stopped and walked back to the horse, looking at him, but unable to work out why he disturbed me. I saddled up my horse and rode away from the keep. I found myself by the side of the loch, and smiled, imagining swimming here one day in summer with a beautiful woman, perhaps even Eleanor. Realising the directions of my thoughts, I turned away from the loch. I doubted that Eleanor would be swimming any time soon.